"There is no such thing as a small hole in a water bed, I know this from personal experience. I once believed that I could inconvenience an ex-boyfriend by breaking into his apartment and poking a small hole in his water bed. Not knowing that the laws of physics were against me, I believed it would slowly leak and he would get a little wet while in bed. By the time he got home that afternoon, his bedroom was flooded. It was shortly after that he took out the restraining order on me.
Therein lies the complexity of life. No matter what I did after that, or how I behaved, he, and the judge, will always remember me as the crazy girl who flooded his bedroom. This proves the simple premise that our entire life is just a memory. The sad part is that they're not even our memories. They're someone else's memories. They're someone else's perceptions of us. What they have seen, what they have interpreted of our lives. We spend our lives conforming to the norms of society to make an impression, to build a persona, to be someone, and when we die all that goes with us.
What's left is what other people think we were trying to be or what they wanted us to be, not what we wanted to be. For better or for worse, no one will ever know what went on inside our minds. That's a deep reflection on our lives because that's all we have to ourselves, our minds."
What you just read is the beginning of the book I wrote, it's a story of how I wasted 18 months of my life doing drugs, attempting suicide 3 times and essentially self-destructing. It's the story of how I got to that point and how I changed and got to where I am now. It's never been published, excerpts have been read by a few friends and they said I should try to publish it, but they are friends, what do they know? It was more of a cathartic experience for me, but I always thought I would try to publish it when my Grandmother passed away, I didn't want her to know about it. The plan was to publish it under the pen name Nerak Willrod - my maiden name is Karen Rodwill. Get it? Nerak is Karen spelled backward are Willrod is switching Rodwill? I am so clever, eh? I had also considered starting a blog entitled "One Chapter at a Time" where I would post one chapter every 3 days. Why? Who knows, maybe I thought my story would help someone, maybe I thought my family would read it and get me. Regardless, it sits in the document folder of my laptop unfinished.
Why I am telling you this? Because it has come to my attention that what I said is true. There are some people who will only see you as you were in that snapshot, they will not see who you are. They can't, and I wish I knew why. As I am writing this, I am starting to shake with anxiety. Why? Because now you know that I was a very bad girl, because I am going to be judged again, because I know some of my family is reading this and I am going to get a lot of negative feedback. I can handle it, but I don't want to. You see, I am the person I am today because of the person I was then. I truly believe that we are all a sum total of our experiences. Our lives are determined by fate and free will, fate will bring us where we are supposed to be, our free will sends us where we want to go. Sometimes we want to go back, we can't. Often I want to go back, but if I did, who would I be today? I like who I am today. I still screw up, I still make mistakes, I still have debts to pay, but I forgive myself and I try harder - most of the time.
During my most recent confrontation, I decided it was time to let go of some people for good. It's just not healthy for me to be in their cross hairs, nothing I ever do will be good enough. I can't be me and be in their lives, I don't live up to their expectations, I don't follow the rules of how often I should call people - frankly, I never saw that rule but apparently, there is one - and I don't care about anyone but myself. It's too bad, because if they knew me at all they would understand me. But they don't try.
While in the midst of the angst (wow, two -st words in a row), I knew who to call, Ann and Dina. They are my go-to people, Dina more so (sorry Ann!) because she has been there for 25ish years and she knows me, loves me, forgives me, laughs with me. Oh, it may be important to note here that the 18 months I did drugs and attempted suicide was over 20 years ago! Yes, 20+ years and I can't escape the stigma. So I called Ann and Dina, told them how I was feeling, we laughed, they encouraged me and I moved on. That's what caring people do, they forgive, move on and accept you. And you know what, they don't have to be family or blood relatives. I see a lot of blogs about how friends can be family, and they are right, family doesn't have to be family, sometimes they can't be.
My most recent affirmation that I am a-okay unwittingly came from Dina. Dina is married to my cousin who is like a brother to me; if you ask my husband, he's more like an ex-boyfriend but that's another story. Their baby was born in January and since then I have been holding my proverbial breath waiting to see who they pick as the Godparents. I know that's practically an ancient practice, but I still consider it a meaningful honor. I really didn't expect them to ask me but deep down I hoped they would, I love them very much and wanted to add more cement to our relationship I suppose. We all went out Friday and they asked me to be the Godmother, as nonchalant as I acted, I was thrilled. With the recent upheaval in my emotional life, them asking me to be the Godmother was them saying, "We love you, we love who you are, we trust you with our child and we forgave you a long time ago. The person you are today is important to us and we get you." I'm sure that's not what they were saying when they sat around the Godparent picking table, but I'm sure it's pretty close.
I have much to say about mental health, love, acceptance and how the past affects your future but I didn't know quite how to start them. The last week has given me reason, not just for myself, but maybe for someone else who can see themselves in me and my experience. That you can come back, not everyone will come with you and there comes a time when you have to let them go, hopefully it won't take you 20 years to realize it.
So for those of you who can't see past what you need and what you remember and what you want from someone, think about what they want, what they need, they remember and what their life experience was. Perhaps they aren't capable of giving you what you want and you should accept what they can give, when they can give it. They have probably done the same for you but you just can't see it because you aren't looking at them.
Karen Solomon is sharing information about the challenges families with special circumstances face in their day to day lives while maintaining a sense of humor. If you have a story you'd like to share, she'd like to help you.
Visit Karen at The Missing Niche to read more stories about special families.
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